Old Patterns Create A New Me

Hello everyone,

We'll it's been quite some time hasn't it. Blogging has been a past time for me for a few years now. I have enjoyed it as a outlet to all the madness I call "my life". So fret not I won't be straying from you again! That's right you have my word.
Where to begin....well let's see. I changed my YouTube channel name. Why??? Many things in my life have caused me to stop and really look at my life and all involved in it, once I did that I was able to change my perspective. This new perspective has changed how I feel and which direction I am going in next. I have evolved from my past into something better; something new. So lets first tell you all that's gone down.
First and foremost I have to mention my mother. She is a bipolar schizophrenic, yes there I finally said it. She has been this way all my life. But one day soon we will dive more into those waters. So anyway she had a breakdown as I like to call it and had to be hospitalized.  She was having a psychosis about things that were happening in my own life. (Keep reading) All of a sudden her fiancé left her, as she was devastated. Well mom doesn't have a man in her life. This was all in her head. She has not been in the hospital for her mental health in 10 years....so this took me back; way back into time. I found myself reliving things I didn't know still hurt me. Things I had never let go of. While that was taking place in was going thru one of the most public and embarrassing moments of my adult life. I was planning to get married when suddenly it all fell apart. He was everything I wanted and I was crushed when he called it off. I had my wedding dress and invites, a hall rented for goodness sake!! And to top it off one of my best friends in the world dropped me. One day she told me she was sick of me calling her about my problems. She had her own problems. Haha this is quite funny looking back at it because I have had 2 other BFF'S and they both told me the same words. Funny how life repeats itself when you don't learn the lesson! That is why I was so weary of befriending her to begin with; my mind was screaming you've been thru this twice before, what are you thinking! But I took a chance only to be let down when I most needed her. She dropped my like nothing once she started dating her man. Trust me ill go deeper into all these issues over time. I just want you to know where I was mentally. 
From all the stress and not eating. Sleepless nights, crying myself thru church services. Acting like I was ok at work just to save face. One day I just woke up. I started to meditate. I needed something to calm me. A place to go to get away from the madness. I had no one to hold my hand and literally let me cry on their shoulder. I had to get up and go to work, deal with my mom, to be a leader in my world. But leaders are the ones who often look like they have it all together when they really need a rock to lean against themselves. So I did it for myself. I asked God to take all the stress, take it and keep it this time. I want to be stress free! I meditated when I had time, at work, in my car, at bedtime. Didn't matter to me...it was all I could do to stop from bursting into tears or strangling someone. I started to look into how to open and balance my chakras. This is where things really changed. I went from a person who was always hiding behind her own feelings and putting others before mine to a person who stood in her truth. I learned to accept myself. I learned to enjoy my flaws, stop being perfect. Others weren't and they put their wrongs and insecurity in my hands and left it. I was holding onto their issues and mine and trying to fix it all. Well I'm used to this, my mom does it all day every day and since being a child I have been fashioned to put others before myself to make things work. Well it wasn't working anymore. This time I must come first or I'm no good to anyone.
I speak what I feel now and more importantly what I want. I no longer need for someone to cheer me on, and notice my accomplishments. I succeed at a lot I put my mind to but I wanted someone to notice. I started to cheer me on. I became my own best friend. I took myself out to eat, I spent time with people who were really my friends. I learned how to show love and not have it taken for granted. I don't give my all to others now. I give it to me. What's left I give to the world. I'm still that kind gentle and open soul just now I'm happy. I have true joy. God showed up for me and boy did he show out. All of a sudden the old BFF is reaching out to me....the ex wants a fresh start. Funny how life works. I put all my attention and focus on these ppl and got nothing now I focus on me and I have the world. As for how these relationships will work out well that's up to God himself. I have to continually tell myself to stop driving the car of my life. I end up in the wackiest of places. He knows all so go ahead and lead me Lord for I am lost! I'm grateful for all God had given to me, and I mean peace of mind, happiness, food and security. He gave me what I need to survive. I need not look to others for anything. Today I can truly say with or without the BFF or the man I'm just as happy.
So I changed my name to reflect the new me. I am a person who is empathic. I have always been someone who is easy to speak to and relate to. I heal others of stress of self criticism, of self sabotage by just speaking with them and actually hearing what they say. I don't try to do anything but be there for them. I bring light to where the darkness lies. I'm that person that always finds out sooner or later so there's no sense in hiding it from me. I don't know how I find out it just kind of lands in my lap. So the name Faven means: Healer and Afya means: Light
Light healer or healer of light. Make sense now. A name carries so much power and when you speak that name you feel something, I am reminded to be empowered and continue on my journey to help people when I hear my name. It's my new life mantra!
I hope you will subscribe to my blog and my YouTube channel so that I can show you my journey to now. Please feel free to leave your comments below.
☆Love&Light
•Faven