Am I Changing or Reverting (What I want for ME) Part 1
So about two years ago I took the myers-briggs personality test. I came out to be a infj...so I took it again yesterday and I came out to be a ISTJ. How can that be? I think what happened is that I changed when I met my husband and now I and changing back to who I truly am inside the ISTJ.
He is very much a estj and that made us kind of like two cars going full speed and slamming into each other. One of us had to be more calm and reserved so I made a change. I did this; not just for the relationship but because I was seen as brash by a lot of people who were in my life at the time. I wanted to be liked more and accepted thus creating the ability for me to like myself and see myself in a more acceptable light. The problem is that I was successful with my love life and not successful with other relationships. I fail to see why or how changing for these people will better my life or help me achieve goals. The perfectionalist and people pleaser in me causes me to continue to try even though I am not fully applying myself and really working to change this. It seems funny that I would be a people pleaser at all if this is truly my personality type (ISTJ), I can remember a time when I was totally confident in who I was and where I was going in life. This was when I lived at home with my father, who would never let me take care of myself and sheltered me to almost not fully growing up. I mean it was very extreme the things I was not allowed to do; for I would "do it wrong" or "hurt myself" he would say. So when I got tired of this I left at 17 moved out and I felt completely overwhelmed. When I asked for help I was told that if I wanted the help I would have to do x, y , and z to get it. This made me feel out of control and I lost my confidence very quickly. What choice did I have right? This is the song and dance game me and my father play and have played ever since.
I know deep inside me there is a very strong person who knows herself so much that what people think or say doesn't change me. I get things done where as others just hit repeat or quit and then expect me to pick up the pieces and do it for them. I am different, what I have to find is how to get back to that person that I was. And also how to take a small and yes I mean small part of who I am with my husband and work that into the person I am in the world. I want to be more calm and understanding with them. Currently I hate small talk, I hate when others are not organized and efficient, I don't like to go with the flow, I like to have order and plans. I like time schedules just not being confined to things. I like habits but those that I create not ones that are pushed onto me. I do not like authority but I love rules. I am complicated. I just wanted to be liked and loved by the world instead of being feared and respected as much as I am.
Can a person change their personality themselves or do you just revert back to all the negative side effects caused by traumas in our lives? I'm not sure yet but give me a year in therapy and I'll come back with an answer. I want to say I changed but really who knows if I have or not. I did however create a healthy habit with my husband in terms of communication. My true self is very sensitive and un-trusting and guarded but my exterior will not allow me to share that part of me with others. hmmm sounds like I'm fake just like the rest of the world can be...sounds like all that stuff I say I'm not I really am... hell if that's true then why not just allow the world to see me confident and the best part of me while leaving the most vulnerable parts to be discover-able by my family....are these the boundaries of which I need to learn to implement into my life?
He is very much a estj and that made us kind of like two cars going full speed and slamming into each other. One of us had to be more calm and reserved so I made a change. I did this; not just for the relationship but because I was seen as brash by a lot of people who were in my life at the time. I wanted to be liked more and accepted thus creating the ability for me to like myself and see myself in a more acceptable light. The problem is that I was successful with my love life and not successful with other relationships. I fail to see why or how changing for these people will better my life or help me achieve goals. The perfectionalist and people pleaser in me causes me to continue to try even though I am not fully applying myself and really working to change this. It seems funny that I would be a people pleaser at all if this is truly my personality type (ISTJ), I can remember a time when I was totally confident in who I was and where I was going in life. This was when I lived at home with my father, who would never let me take care of myself and sheltered me to almost not fully growing up. I mean it was very extreme the things I was not allowed to do; for I would "do it wrong" or "hurt myself" he would say. So when I got tired of this I left at 17 moved out and I felt completely overwhelmed. When I asked for help I was told that if I wanted the help I would have to do x, y , and z to get it. This made me feel out of control and I lost my confidence very quickly. What choice did I have right? This is the song and dance game me and my father play and have played ever since.
I know deep inside me there is a very strong person who knows herself so much that what people think or say doesn't change me. I get things done where as others just hit repeat or quit and then expect me to pick up the pieces and do it for them. I am different, what I have to find is how to get back to that person that I was. And also how to take a small and yes I mean small part of who I am with my husband and work that into the person I am in the world. I want to be more calm and understanding with them. Currently I hate small talk, I hate when others are not organized and efficient, I don't like to go with the flow, I like to have order and plans. I like time schedules just not being confined to things. I like habits but those that I create not ones that are pushed onto me. I do not like authority but I love rules. I am complicated. I just wanted to be liked and loved by the world instead of being feared and respected as much as I am.
Can a person change their personality themselves or do you just revert back to all the negative side effects caused by traumas in our lives? I'm not sure yet but give me a year in therapy and I'll come back with an answer. I want to say I changed but really who knows if I have or not. I did however create a healthy habit with my husband in terms of communication. My true self is very sensitive and un-trusting and guarded but my exterior will not allow me to share that part of me with others. hmmm sounds like I'm fake just like the rest of the world can be...sounds like all that stuff I say I'm not I really am... hell if that's true then why not just allow the world to see me confident and the best part of me while leaving the most vulnerable parts to be discover-able by my family....are these the boundaries of which I need to learn to implement into my life?
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