My experience with Love

One of my first relationships was one that lasted for 5 years. I know my first boyfriend, and we stuck it out that long. I was showered with gifts, thinking that was love. It was his expression of it for sure, but he didn't want the things I did. Near year 3 and 4 we had lost our common goal. He wanted to be with many women, not to be tied into a partnership. I wanted to be in control and demanded attention. Believe it or not that relationship ended in a "sorta" engagment. The day he brought me the ring he didn't do it in a romantic way. It was however unforgettable. He chucked it across the room yelling "here you wanna get married, fine!" And that was the end of that. There were a few men inbeween but none that really stuck out. A few I got along great with, and some who even my friends thought was the one. Turned out none of those were.
The next big relationship was a chart topper. This guy every girl wanted. All my friends were jealous of me. He was charming and handsome with some of the best "game" you can come by. Shocking to me one day he stopped running game on me. My pride was in the way and I ended the relationship telling him it was about trust and dishonesty. Really it was me. He was open to love and grow and I was afriad to trust and of the unknown. He became the "one that got away". He was never truly open with me about his struggles. Telling me it wasn't my place to worry, that's a mans job. Nice quote but we live in the 21 century. Men and women can no longer act or live as if one has to do this job and the other is restricted to that job. In relationship 3 I changed that, but I went from one extreme to another. From not being each others best friend and a priority, to being each others every thing. Too much of anything is just that. We needed that balance. Still a problem with us and me today sadly.
My final big relationship was one of which we both created to serve some purpose in our lives. We filled voids in each other with the relationship. We really were the best of friends, to our own disadvantage. We were all we had, that's not really true. You see we had trust issues, more me than him. Thus we separated ourselves from friends and most family. We became isolated in love. This was the longest of all the above relationships, going on for nearly 8 years. Another broken engament later, but still I can say he's my friend. This one didn't work because I never loved the good and bad in him. Too much time together and not spent working on ourselves. We too lost focus of our shared goal. By the end we were so angry I thought we'd never speak again.
What I have learned:
In most of my relationships I was seeking or wanting to attain something. Maybe it was trying to block out my past, or trying to create a future so I could say I made it. A lot of it was driven not only by myself and my wants but also by the requirements of todays America. People telling me your getting too old not to have children or be married, which created another fear inside me. I not even 30 yet. Watching all of my friends attain that made my stomach turn. I wondered what's wrong with me? Why can't I make this happen? And then there was the control factor. A man will always try and lead, its in his nature; which to women sometimes can feel like control. Another reason for balance. Balance just means respect. It is the way in which you show the world what or how you want to receive your "just do" per say. So if you emotionally hurt someone everyday, saying your sorry doesn't balance it out. You must change your behavior or the universe will interpret that as you wanting to be emotionally hurt by another. They say what you put out never goes away it mearly transfer from one object to another.
There are many reasons for my trust issues, I can blame it on the guy who raped me; or the friend that betrayed me and dated that same guy. I could blame it on my parents. On my brother who left me to care for my parents and partially his own children. I could blame it on my failed relationships and the men I dated. Truth is its me. I have to forgive and look forward. I'm focused on my past and not repeating those mistakes. What if I did repeat them? So what! I would learn something new about myself. Not to mention that while I was focused on the past, that's what kept repeating. The same lessons over and over again.
My learned lessons:
You cannot fill yourself or recharge yourself with a man. You have to do that for you.
You have to forgive, you only end up hurting yourself and regretting the love that was right at your finger tips.
Don't be afraid, face your fears. Your partner will be inspired to be more open with with you and may face their own fears as well.
Balance love with life. You work at your job, your wieght, your health, you repair your car when its broken...Work at your love! It will suffer and DIE if you don't. You can water a plant everyday,  and it will die. It also needs sunshine/food to live. Love is more than what you are willing to put in, its the things that are most uncomfortable that makes the biggest difference and creates the strongest bond.
Communicate, even if its yelling. Sounds bad to say it that way but its true. Your getting your feelings out. Watch your tounge for it can be a deadly weapon but do speak. Let people know how and what you feel. Love is about a common goal, no communication and you won't know if you share the same goal or how to reach and attain it.
Face your past. Putting things in a box deep inside yourself is not dealing with them. You must face and address your past or you will remain shackled to it and therefore a repeat offender. You will make the same mistakes again and again until you face them, forgive yourself, and commit to change. Ever wonder why the same problem keeps happening to you? Are the same type of people surronding you? Are you failing at love and don't know why? There's something you haven't dealt with that shackeled to your leg. Check your ankle!
Finally, walk with your partner. Not in front of them, not behind them but next to them. Life is not a race, the only thing moving is you!
If your reading this I challenge you. What are your love mistakes and lessons learned? Have you repeated something over again without knowlege of what it was? Take a look back, really retrace your footsteps, allow the pain and anger to come back to you. Its the window to healing. Maybe it wasn't love for you but your actions and the bad choices you made. Are you dating someone just to date them or do you trust and confide in this person? Can you be honest with them and love them for the good and bad?